Friday, June 29, 2012

This is what progress looks like.

And now a break from our baby-animal squees, although in a way they were sort of babies.

These are our pals Wayne and Cody and they just had their 18th anniversary. Seriously, they are about to make me pass out from all the ADORABLE!!! I mean LOOK AT THEM! Could they be any cuter if they tried???? They still have the same SHIRTS you guys!!!!!!!!!

And that guy on the left? He's a devout Christian who says this:

"There's an urge in humans to mar all the beauty we can't possess, control, or monetize. Some people succumb to this urge, some fetishize it, some openly worship it. But no right-wing Satanist's perversion of Jesus can take away the 18 great years I've had with my partner for life. No sociopathic or confused attempt to make a indifference into a moral imperative can stop the sunrise or end the breeze. No encyclical from our addled, isolated sages can end the music of laughter at their expense. Wage miserable war against them and you become their success. Resist them with a defiant smile and you prove that they can't ever really win."

Take THAT, ya haters. Happy anniversary, guys!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

For Lynne

In light of Lynne's recent Goodtimes Experience with Camp Forms & Doctor's Offices, I thought she could use some cheering up. Here's stuff that will make you feel better!

Ha! Wear it to the Dr's office, to make yrself feel better. Or the DMV. (or is it the BMV?  I can never remember. Also I don't really care. It should be called The Place Where Your Soul Goes To Die) But definitely wear it with these:

SO AWESOME! Seriously, wanna go in with me & get these? Take that, LiveStrong! I've got sassy attitude on my wrist! And then, for all your sticker love, have these:

Yay! Now you can always have this at yr fingertips to cheer you up. And since it's designed & made here in Columbus, OH, you can represent the 614 in sassy style!

PS - Seriously, go check out These Are Things. They rule!

Dr. Asshat and the Camp of Asshattery.

Ok, here's the first of what will probably be many negative Freak Outs on this blog. I'm pissed about bureaucratic BS, and I'm PMS-ing, so WATCH OUT.

So my kid is in various camps all summer long. I plan these way back in January, which I know is insane in the first place (seriously, I have a spreadsheet and a color-coded Google calendar and everything, I kid you not) but actually it's what you have to do if you want your kid to be in some of them, which is crazy, right? I KNOW. But hello - some of us work for a living and HAVE NO CHOICE. I'm not going to let my kid just sit around by herself watching tv all summer, so yeah, thanks for the info on those hour-long art camps y'all send home from the school in May, but our summer's already booked with 9-5 camps that cost me an arm and a leg, asshats. And no she can't meet you at the pool at 2pm on a Wednesday, little 4th grade friend, even if it is your birthday. Sorry.

But that's not even the true asshattery of this post.

Every single one of these camps has its own set of forms, and these forms are RIDICULOUS. Really, you need ten pages on my kid for this one week camp? You need to know what kind of diet she eats, even though I'm supposed to send a lunch - and snacks - with her every day anyway? You need me to sign waiver after waiver for you to photograph her, but you can't be trusted to give her aspirin or sunscreen, even if I say it's ok? Ok FINE, I'll do it. Like I have any choice. But really, do all the forms have to be so unique? There really isn't any way to standardize these things, so I can fill out ONE form - hello, maybe ONLINE? what century is this again?? - and I can just say "send this to this camp, this camp, and this camp" and you all get a copy? That's really too hard?? And really, do you need to me to write my very long street address on EVERY SINGLE PAGE? (curse those charming street names of my neighborhood! why can't I live on 123 Ave A or something??) And maybe you can keep the information from the previous year and I can just update it? No? Really??

And I know what you're going to say, if I've been planning these camps since January, I've had six months to do these forms so what's the big deal? Well I wish that were true my naive friend, but actually you have to fill out a form or twenty online to register, then you have to WAIT for them to MAIL you the rest of the forms later, due back immediately. WHY??? BECAUSE THEY HATE YOU, THAT'S WHY.

But again, that's not even the asshattery.

So last summer, I screwed up on one of these MANY forms and forgot to get the doctor signature one done (again, really? you need her entire health history for a one-week camp?) until it was literally the day before the camp. I know, big screw up, and I'll totally own that. We called the doctor (off hours even - Mother of the Year here!) and got the appropriately snippy "lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine" type lecture from the doc on call (not my kid's regular one, who is usually very nice and is the only reason why all of this isn't going to make me switch offices... assuming they don't ban me after this post anyway.) Again, totally deserved it, I admit. And I've been hanging my head in shame for an ENTIRE YEAR. And by the way my kid ended up being too sick for camp that week anyway so it didn't even matter (but I still filled out the damn forms and still paid the damn camp fee - ASSHATS.)

Fast forward to this year. I'm a little behind on some of these forms again (GEE I WONDER WHY) but I'm trying hard to get my act together and get it all done. So again I have the doctor form. It's basically 4 pages, 3 of which I've already filled out for them. Get that - I DID THE WORK ALREADY. All they have to do is look it over and make sure I'm not lying about anything and fill in some immunization dates and sign it. That's it. How long do you think that really would take? Compared to the umpteen pages I've got to fill out in addition to that for JUST THIS ONE CAMP? And yeah, I know, they're busy taking care of children and all and probably lots of other moms are asking for the same thing, but still? IT'S THEIR JOB!!!

So I call the doctor's office to see what I need to do about getting this form signed. It's lunchtime. This is the time of day I reserve for taking care of personal stuff - because you know, I don't need to EAT or anything. And the rest of the day I'm supposed to be doing MY JOB. Here's the recording I get: "Hello, thank you for calling Drs. So and So, our office is currently closed for the lunch hour. If this is an emergency, call 911." Ok it was more detailed than that, but that was the gist. I couldn't even leave a message. Seriously? You ALL go to lunch at the same time??? You close down the office? A DOCTOR'S OFFICE???

Ok fine. I go to their website's "Contact Us" page. There's a fax number, I type out a very courteous, informative fax cover sheet and try faxing it all over to them. The machine says "no answer" and re-dails again and again. No answer. Really, you can't even leave your fax machine on during lunch? Ok, I try scanning it to email to them. Back to the website - there's no email address. There's a FUCKING FACEBOOK PAGE (last updated 2011) and yet no email address. What am I supposed to do, post this on your wall?? Ok, ok. I wait until their little lunch hour is over and try calling. Again I get a recording, this one says to press a number for immunization forms. I press it, and get another recording saying to leave a message with the information needed, so I do so. An hour or so later someone calls back and I (very nicely, even though by now I'm seriously annoyed) explain the situation. AGAIN. They ask if I tried it with the area code? Yeah, duh, thought of that. I offer to email the scanned version as a PDF - they say "I wish we could do that." (really, you don't have an email address at all? none of you?) Their answer is "just keep trying, I guess?" Yeah ok, thanks for your help, asshat.

Only, and this is really a key point here, pay attention: I didn't say that. I used to work customer service and I know what unreasonable bitches some people can be, so I am ALWAYS nice as a customer. ALWAYS. NO MATTER WHAT. And I tip MINIMUM 20% in restaurants, always. And see how I get treated? ASSHATS. This is why I am passive aggressively flaming your ass on a blog now. You have only yourselves to blame, really.

So I keep trying to fax them. And trying. Again and again I get "no answer." I think maybe it's our fax machine here? It's been known to be a little wonky, I could see that. SEE HOW NICE I AM? It's me, not you, I assume. I give you the benefit of the doubt. I try sending a fax via Skype on this thing called PamFax - which claims to be free, but really it's only so they can get your info and let you send a mere 3 pages for free, then you have to sign up for their paid service, minimum $12. ASSHATS! So I try faxing only the most essential pages of this form this way. Even PamFax is saying "no answer."

So FUCK IT, I say, I'M DRIVING THE DAMN FORM TO THEM. That's right, I literally got in my car and took the form to them to hand in person. Again, WHAT CENTURY IS THIS?!?

Now, like many pediatrician offices, ours has separate waiting rooms for well and ill children, to prevent infecting the well kids who are just there for routine check-ups. Which is great, and as an aside, why aren't all doctor's offices like this? I could be infected by much worse stuff in my own doc's waiting room, and I don't even get a sticker when I leave (even though my visits are probably WAY more traumatic.) But anyway remember how I said I know they're busy taking care of children and all? Yeah, there was ONE well child in the waiting room when I got there. One very happy, healthy looking toddler, looking forward to her sticker. And none in the sick room. Oh my god you're soooooo busy! WHATEVER. By the way, there was a mom with this toddler, who was sitting there FILLING OUT A FORM. Solidarity, sister.

So I go in and say "I've been trying to fax this camp form for my daughter and haven't been able to get through, so I thought I would just bring it here in person." No acknowledgement that that may have been a pain in the ass for me or anything, no "oh let me see if I can expedite this, considering your trouble" or anything. She takes the form and glances over it and then asks me what instructions she can leave with it for returning the form to me. "Do you want us to fax it back to you or do you want to come back for it?" Um, I'm happy to stay and wait while you fill it out? Again, it's a handful of dates and a signature. HOW LONG DOES IT FUCKING TAKE?!

"There's a 24-48 hour turnaround time for these forms."


Um, yes, there's a fax number on the front of this form for you to return it to me, I say, but I'm worried because I tried to fax it to you (ALL DAMN DAY) and couldn't get through? I don't know if the problem was with my machine or yours, but.......? A little help here? Seriously? I was SO NICE.

Another gal behind the desk butts in: "Oh, it was ours, it's working now."

Ok, here's where if I were a cartoon character, the top of my head would blow off and make a big screeching sound like a train whistle. My eyes would be jumping out of their sockets, and maybe all my fur (because surely I'd be an anthropomorphic cat or bunny or something) would jump off my skin and then settle back on again as I exploded with PMS and form-fuckery-induced rage. I mean REALLY?!?!?!?!??? I've been trying to fax you all damn day, I can't even call you during my lunch hour because you're closed, you don't have an email address, and when I finally get through to you, you just say to "keep trying" and now that I literally drove all the way over here and put the damn form into your precious physical hands, you're telling me that even though the problem was ALL YOUR FAULT, I still have to wait 24-48 hours for you to give me a FUCKING SIGNATURE??? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?

Apparently, yes, they were quite serious. And THAT'S the true asshattery of this post. FUCK. ING. ASS. HATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But friends, I didn't lose my cool. I paused significantly (at least I did in my mind, I probably totally didn't, or if I did it was lost on them) and then said, "Ok. Yes, faxing it back to me would be great. Thanks." And then I walked out, smiling at the happy toddler, and began composing this rant on my mobile device before I even got to my car.

Now I know what you're going to say about First World Problems or Getting A Life or Controlling My Totally Out Of Proportion Anger or whatever. Just shut your trap right now because I don't want to hear it. Sure, there are more important things to get all in a snit about, I know. But the larger takeaway for this little diatribe is this: as I drove away (in heavy traffic with even-more-inconsiderate-than-usual drivers - ASSHATS) I began to breathe a great sigh of relief, because as far as I'm concerned, the great karmic debt of last year's off-hours call for a forgotten form is now paid. My hands are clean. I was given asshattery and I ROSE ABOVE. Mother of the CENTURY, people.

I'm all...
Haters Gonna Hate by

(gif by These Are Things. Dig it.)

But if those asshats take longer than 24 hours to turn around this damn form.. SO HELP ME JESUS.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012


I had time to go into the library without the kids the other day (I left them tied to chairs at home. Kidding! They were at home with their dad.) and man - that was awesome! I decided to go through the cd's (yes, I still think it's 1996) since I can't do that with kids in tow; with them I'm weighed down by the 29 books & 6 DVDs we've picked out, not to mention holding at least one of them, and holding the other one's hand. And frankly, Bea tries to pick out the worst music possible & gets mad when I don't want to check it out (Roxette's Greatest Hits? No. Hell No. And yes, she's picked that out. Twice). So I was gleefully flicking through the cases, finding all sorts of good stuff to listen to in the car. And then, lo & behold, I found this:

OH. MY. GOD. Do you have any idea how much I LOVE this album?!? Enough to FREAK THE GEEK OUT when I found it! I literally said "HOT DOG!" out loud - the librarian near me totally chuckled at that - because I knew that I was going to check it out, race to the car, throw the cd in, and blast Track 1 as loud as I could. What track is that, you ask? BARRACUDA. More commonly known as the MOST AWESOME SONG IN THE WORLD. No kidding. For a really long, long time, one of my 3 wishes for a genie was going to be to have this song cue up any time I entered a room. Not sure why I'm freaking out? Here, have a listen:

See?!? It's SO FUCKING KICK ASS. Ann & Nancy Wilson are pretty much the best. EVER. If you don't get it, just listen to this song over & over & pretty soon you'll get it. Rock on, duders!!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Guest Freak Out: from Jennifer Z!

This one comes from my pal Jennifer. She says:

"For your consideration for your freak out blog - i freak out over its cuteness daily."

And no wonder! LOOOOOOOOOK!

and also

I think it's about time for a freakin' shout out. This one goes out to blogger Persephone at What Possessed Me - "A blog about fixation, fascination and unhealthy infatuation."

A favorite of mine for years, Ms. P regular posts lovely photos and interesting tidbits from her life, and - of course - the occasional adorable baby animal.

Case in point just for you Molly - Baby Hedgehog!

Also of note: JAM ON IT.

And might I add: Sleeping Albino Koala. I'M JUST SAYING.

damn you, jeni!

Holy crap, could Jeni Britton Bauer torture us more????? I don't think so!

Monday, June 18, 2012

Presenting: Tea Cup Pigs

Lynne! I feel like I failed you, somehow. How on earth have I not alerted you to the sweetness, the unbearable adorability, the cutest damn wee piglets in the universe?!? To make up for it, here are some pictures for you. 

HOLY CRAP. THAT PIG IS THE SIZE OF A TEACUP! IT'S LITERALLY A TEACUP (sized) PIG!!! Oh man, I wish I could hear it! Snorting & snuffing, squealing when excited. Wheeeee!!!!!!!!!   

OH boy. BOY OH BOY. TWO OF THEM!! Sweet fancy moses, they're so CUUUUUUTE!!! I'd name them Norman & Harold. Or maybe Spotty & Dottie. & I would TOTALLY DRESS THEM UP ALL THE TIME. I would, in fact, be That Lady - the one who brings her dressed up wee piggies everywhere, all dressed up, and baby talks to them. How could you NOT do that? LOOK at them, for heaven's sake!!

 I mean, SERIOUSLY. I'm all nervous & giggly & shaky & swoony because I'm IN LOVE! LOOK at that TINY LITTLE PIG!! He's jumping but it's the tiniest, sweetest, wee-est jump IN THE HISTORY OF TIME!!! AAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

So Lynne, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I kept this cuteness to myself for so long. Please accept these re-fucking-diculously adorable images to make up for my lack of informing you about these sweet creatures. (And many thanks to Marion for the reminder!)

Sunday, June 17, 2012

The Fabrics That Started It All

On my second trip to Joann's this week  (I know! I know! I'm obsessed), I thought I should get some pictures of the other fabrics that freaked Lynne & I out. I mean, some random lady actually checked on us because she heard one of us say "I think I might die from heart failure!" and she wanted to make sure we were okay. And yes, physically we were fine. But mentally? Emotionally? DESTROYED. And here is why.

This is the fabric that started our descent into Adorable Overload. That wee, sweet owl! Sitting so innocently in that pentagon of tree branches! SO CUTE!!! And it's on the softest, snuggliest baby blanket cotton flannel. LOVE IT!! And as we were reeling from this one, along came the next print:

OH MAN. IT HURTS! Seriously, if that's not the best, most fantastic, most fun and adorable print you've ever seen, well, sorry that your life stinks so much that you can't enjoy this. Birds! Flowers! Hearts! Trees! Royalty! I have no idea what's going on exactly, I just know that I looooooooooove it. I think if Lynne & I ever end up living in the same house, we might try to find a way to cover the entire house in this print. It's SO DAMN AMAZING! And while this one was still forcing us to practically hyperventilate, we found one that almost broke Lynne.

Behold! The crazy, 1970's mushrooms of perfection!! SO CUTE!!! I want a skirt made out of this. A retro, patch pocket, button front, rick-racked skirt that I can wear & feel groovy & sassy & earth mama. Maybe I want a matching headscarf. WHY NOT? With a print this cute, you can never have too much! Never, I say!

And so there you have it. The Fabrics That Started It All. (this post should be sponsored by Joann's, but it isn't so it's all coming from the true & pure love I have for that goddamn store.)


I love to read fashion blogs. I admit it. I spend quite a bit of time reading different ones, but I think my favorite is one from Australia called Frocks and Frou Frou. I just love her sense of fun & her very unique sense of what she likes. However, the cuteness of her stuff has often caused me to spend large amounts of time online window shopping, which is either good or bad, depending on how you look at it. She's gotten me interested in an Australian shoe company called Melissa - they're apparently like Crocs (meaning: engineered plastic shoes) but cute & stylish. And right now, I have found two SUUUUUUUUPER cute pairs of shoes, thanks to Ms. Lilli.  First Up:

 I mean, look at them! LOOK AT THEM! Stars! On the shoes! So awesome, right?!? The website also shows them in black & white and black & metallic grey, and claims they have them in blue & white. BLUE & WHITE STAR SHOES! Oh goodness, how can I NOT own these?!? If somehow you've read this far & don't agree, LOOK AT THEM AGAIN. And if you still don't agree, whatever, then buy them for me instead of yourself. Easy peasy lemon squeezey! Aaaand, next up:

OH MY GOD!!! Yes, clearly these are little girls shoes, but seriously! LOOK! KITTY CAT SHOES!! They come in white, green (duh!), hot pink, & black. They are all so cute I might have just ovulated looking at them. And yeah, I'm considering looking into whether I could fit into a pair, but honestly, I think every little girl on earth (including my own) NEEDS these! I'm pretty sure that we could achieve world fucking peace if every little girl had a pair of these & we just showed the whole world a picture of all the little girls on earth wearing them. Full of hate? Lookit the little girls in kitty cat shoes! Awwwwww! No more hate! Full of love & joy & squishy-up-insides happiness!!

In case you want to check these or any other sweet stuff out, go here:
And to check out Ms. Lilli, go here:

Friday, June 15, 2012

Crafty Genius!

So sometimes I just wander around Etsy, like I would wander around a cool store. And sometimes I find things that I think "really? you're charging money for that?" and other times I have my mind completely blown. As in, hot DAMN, that person is AWESOME & I kinda want to be their friend based on how awesome their creative goods are. Here is one of those finds:

 I mean, WHOA. Like WHOA NELLIE!! I fucking love this. SO MUCH. I mean, I'm in awe. It's GENIUS!!! And there are so many other fantastic, killer things in this shop. Here's a link, in case you want to go get something. I plan on spending way too much time giggling & getting all excited and freaking out over this. Aaaaand finding a way to convince myself that this needs to be in our house.

(Here's the link: )

Thursday, June 14, 2012


I love hedgehogs! They are sooooooo cuuuuuute!! I swear I will have one someday. And until then, here's evidence of why I LOOOOOOVE them so much!

I mean, look at his ears! All giant & kinda bent. And his wee nose! And the look on his little face, like "oh hello there! Let's snuggle & be best pals forever!" and then he'll fall asleep all curled up next to you. Snoring, because I have it on good authority that hedgehogs snore. Which makes them EVEN CUTER!


que es mas matcha?

Ok, just discovered matcha green tea powder. In a Starbucks strawberry smoothie. Good lord, where has this been all my life?!?!?!?

Lovely Lemons!

Okay, so right now I know what yr thinking: more fabric? Really? What is this lady's problem? But I was at Joann Fabric's yesterday with Lynne, and honestly, I thought one or both of us was going to die of heart failure over the many awesome and adorable fabrics we found. I LOVE FABRIC! It's so cute! And so (potentially) useful! Or just have it and look at it, I don't care. And I don't judge. Which brings me to this fabric - how can you not squeal with delight & feel refreshed & summery & happy when you see this print? Oh man, I'm a little dizzy I love it so much!

So many patterns, so little time!

Ooooh, FABRIC!! Seriously, look at this. If you don't want to love this for the rest of your life, well, then, I'm not sure what to say. LOOK AT THIS. It's so awesome. It's SO AWESOME!!

whooooo's a grumpy owl??

Mr. Pinky McDude, that's who! Orange is on his last nerve, and sending him hairy (feathery?) eyeballs right back. I want to make a Don't Mess With Me flag out of this!!